Chapter 7: Introspections

This was one promise I thought was easy to keep. My father has experimented with all kinds of meditations. He concluded that meditation is introspection. Sit in a lonely place, all by yourself, in your own company. Let mind wander. Let it think and dream. Dreams of past. The good, bad and ugly. It triggers series of feelings. Happiness, sorrow, grief, anxiety, depression and often renunciation.

It was initially very difficult. Sitting alone. No one to chat. No one to brag and criticise. Not able to talk is very irritating and in few minutes it becomes intolerable. Kind of frustration sweeps. Legs become restless. "Am I wasting time", echoes lauder with every passing minute. We start missing favourite cafe, joints, office, parties and almost everything. One hour looks almost impossible time to pass, introspecting.



Strange though, after sometime, mind begins it's game with you. It recalls some random happenings followed by very critical analysis of same.


It was a nice winter night and I was on bicycle. My younger brother too was riding bicycle. We were coming back from school and suddenly, I saw my brother bicycle hitting the policeman walking on the road. He was hurt and abusive. My 10 years old brother was terrified. I was profusely apologising. He threatened to put us behind bar. My brother hid behind me. I told policeman that he is my neighbour. Please forgive him. He slapped me and said "why cant you guide him properly". I felt very upset. How can he do that. Getting slapped is more humaliating than hurt, especially if there are witnesses.

On our way back, we were silent. My brother was still trembling. I was trying to comfort him. Suddenly he started laughing and said, "Hey you are slapped not me". He was in mood to tease. "So little fear and you dumped me as brother, neighbour, eh". Many years I had this dream. A policeman beating me for no reason.

When we reached home, my brother told the story and everyone laughed. Just before the dinner my mother said,"Remember he is your brother". Fun was instantly dead and remorse did last for months.

Introspections began with recall. Was I right in telling lie to protect my brother? Was my brother hurt that I called him neighbour? Should we tell lie to protect? What if, I would have said, he is my brother. May be an extra slap....

These questions and answers tired me. I looked at watch. It was over an hour. Well, atlast, I could keep my promise.




 To be continued....